


30,000 Mornings More

by Briar Rose (Byrcca)



Category: Star Trek:Voyager
Genre: F/M, Golden Oldies, Letters Home, Movie: Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 23:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19187833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Byrcca/pseuds/Briar%20Rose
Summary: Repression showed us that the Voyager crew didn’t just get letters from home, they got ‘video’.Tom gets a letter from an old friend. It's mid-season 7, you choose. The timing isn't that important.





	30,000 Mornings More

**Author's Note:**

> Original Author’s Note: I was flipping through some ST stuff I have, and came across a photo of Lieutenant Hawk from Star Trek: First Contact. Blond hair, blue eyes, tall... the actor is Neal McDonough (hence the first name in my story). He was in Band of Brothers. Some medical mystery thingy. Anyway, those blue eyes got me thinking of other blue eyes, and before I knew it, I came up with this...
> 
> Another oldie, originally posted to another site in February 2003. Thank you to Lady Arreya for the sluthing and the title. Man, titles are hard!

~*~*~*~

The screen popped to life in immediate full colour. A woman sat in a straight-backed chair studying her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap. Tom took in her shining, short-cropped hair and her slight figure, and his brows drew together in disbelief. 

"Susie?" 

As if she heard him, her head came up. The same red-gold hair, the colour of sunset on the bay, same huge green eyes, same small defiant chin. 

"Hi, Tom. Surprise." Her mouth stretched into a furtive half-smile before her eyes dropped once more to her lap. "It's been a long time."

"Ten years," Tom confirmed, as if she could hear him. As if they were conversing from across the distance of a café table, not thirty thousand light years. His voice echoed his wonder. B'Elanna looked up from her spot at the table, and sent him a quizzical glance. She stilled for a moment, and then began to quietly gather her PADDs. Susie was mutely worrying the fabric of her dress, and Tom looked away from the screen as B'Elanna rose from the table. 

"Stay."

B'Elanna's hand dropped to Tom's shoulder and gave it a sustaining squeeze. "It's okay. You'll probably want to be alone –"

Susie's voice continued in the background, her words mingling with B'Elanna's. "I – I've thought about you. A lot. I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner. I guess I just didn't know what to say. No, scratch that. I just didn't know how to say it."

"I get the feeling I'm going to want you to stick around," Tom said softly. 

"I don't know how much you've been told about the situation here. What you know about the w-war." 

She stumbled over the word, and Tom felt a rush of dread. B'Elanna stood mutely at his elbow, and he reached for her hand. 

"When they attacked Headquarters two years ago, I thought that was it. We all did."

Tom tensed. He had an instant flash of worry for his father, even though he knew that he was fine. Hell, he'd heard his voice almost a year ago when Reg Barclay had made contact with Voyager. Still, it was hard to shake the feeling of imminent dread.

"I should start from the beginning, I know. I'm sorry. It's just harder than I thought it would be."

Another fleeting smile. This wasn't the same Susie Crabtree who had stolen, then broken, Tom's heart in his freshman year at the Academy. Something had happened to change her, and Tom fought the urge to jump ahead in her message to find out what it was. He didn't have to.

"Neal is dead. You know, it doesn't matter how many times I say it, or think it, or write it down, it still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking he's just on some deep-space assignment and he'll walk right in that door.. 

"He was assigned to the Enterprise, did you know that? The flagship of the fleet, once upon a time, anyway. He was so proud. So excited to be flying a Sovereign class starship! And I was happy for him. It meant that our leave time was off, but we were used to that. And my term on the Providence was almost up so I could take some time and go into family quarters. We had it planned. You know how Neal always had five-year plan."

Her hand rose to brush her hair behind her ear, and Tom noted that she still wore her wedding band. He squeezed B'Elanna's hand. 

"They wouldn't tell me what happened. Classified. You know, when the lists started to appear, almost every one of them said that. As if we didn't know what was going on. As if everyone wasn't discussing it and speculating about it!"

She brushed a hand over her eyes, and Tom watched as she consciously took control of her anger. It didn't last. "They wouldn't even release the body!" At this her voice broke, and she hugged her arms around her waist and rocked in the chair as a tremor shook her. 

Tom ached for her, and he felt his own anger rise up at the change in the once vibrant, vivacious woman who had once owned his heart. 

She scrubbed her fingertips across her cheek and shook her head. "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I'd erase this and start again, but I don't think I can. 

"It was four years ago, and everyone thinks I should be over it by now! As if I could just switch it all off and forget about my marriage. My husband! HQ keeps sending doctors, therapists, damned trauma counselors. As if talking about it will make it all better. I don't know why I'm talking to you –"

"Mama?" A compact bundle of energy whirled into view and tugged insistently on Susie's knee. "What are you doing? Are you talking to Nana?" The little girl climbed onto her mother's lap, and waved at the recorder. "Hi, Nana!"

She smiled hugely, and Tom was struck by the similarity. Her mouth was her mother’s, but the huge, pale blue eyes and loose blond curls were pure Neal. Tom's hand crept to his wife's stomach, blessedly swollen with their first child.

Susie hugged her little girl hard. "No, baby doll, it's not Nana. Here, you go play and I promise I'll be done in a few minutes."

She set her on the floor, and the little girl turned a glare on her. "I am not a baby! I'm almost four!" She held up a hand for emphasis, four pudgy fingers pointed upright, her thumb tucked securely against her palm. 

Susie smiled. "I know. You're my big girl, aren't you? Go on, I'll be right there."

Tom watched Susie as she watched her daughter leave the room, then swung slowly back to the recorder. "That's Cora. It's uncanny, isn't it? How much she looks like him. Neal never knew. When he got the posting to the Enterprise, I'd just found out I was pregnant, and I waited to tell him. I didn't want to take away from his moment, and . I thought it would be so nice to surprise him. I would have been in my third trimester by the time we rendezvoused at the station, and I just kept picturing the look on his face when he saw me with a huge stomach.

"I wish I'd told him, because a month later he was dead. Just like that." Her fists rose in front of her face, then opened wide, her fingers splayed, mimicking an explosion. 

"They're all dead, Tom. All of them. There's just you and me now. Of course, that's assuming that some Delta Quadrant bad guy hasn't come out of nowhere and blown you to hell, too.

"Casey and Smitty died at Tyra. They. I'm sure about them. Classified, but… there was talk. Ninety-eight ships from the Seventh Fleet, did you hear? Ninety-fucking-eight! And they thought they could hide the dead somehow! Like we wouldn't figure it out! Jesus!"

Her anger was palpable, and Tom felt an impotent rage hearing her use language that she had once admonished him for using. He closed his eyes, but her words still washed over him. He wasn't used to hearing her sound so bitter.

"The others died in skirmishes, raids, Holly was at Deep Space Nine when the Cardies took it back. Jes was at HQ when the attack came. So there's just us. The last of the 'Baker's Dozen', but I guess we're both a little stale now, huh? Yesterday's bread rolls, stuck on the discount rack.

"You know, I carried the honour of being the only surviving member for a long time. Two years. But I'm not really sad about giving up the title."

Her chin jerked up, and she sent a smile behind her, in the direction Cora had gone. "I saw your mom the other day. She was radiant. You know, Voyager was declared lost. I remember hearing about it as a curiosity, but it wasn't until later that I found out you were aboard. I know you tried to drop outta sight, but everything filtered in eventually: the court martial, the Maquis, Auckland. You were the talk of the circuit. I didn't believe it at first. You in the Maquis. Then I realized how that would truly piss off your father and it seemed a little more likely.

"Your mom said that you're married and expecting a baby! Tom Paris all settled down and respectable." She grinned, her first openly genuine smile in the past five minutes. 

"She said," Susie laughed this time, tossing her head so her red-gold hair swung around her shoulders, "she said that you married one of the Maquis! This is so you! Oh, you'll put on the uniform, and you'll take the conn, and you'll follow orders, but you'll be damned if you'll marry some straight-laced Starfleet officer!"

Susie sobered. She dropped her gaze to her hand and began to twist her wedding band. Tom shot a glance at his wife and mouthed a silent but sincere 'I love you'. 

"I resigned my commission. It was a mutual parting of the ways. Can't have an officer dwelling on the past. We won the war, so I should –

"Yeah. So, now it's just you. And it occurred to me when I was talking to your mom that if you hadn't had that accident, if you hadn't ended up on Voyager, you'd probably be dead too. Years dead, like Neal. Because Starfleet wouldn't let their best pilots shuttle cargo along the Tremtek Corridor, right? You'd have been right in the middle of the action."

"Mama! I'm hungry!"

Susie turned and called to her daughter. "I'll be right there, honey.

"Gotta go, Tom. The master calls." A sheepish grin. "You're going to love it. Just… cherish every moment of it. Oh, when you see B'Elanna – I looked her up, you know how curious I am. Chief engineer, not a bad catch for a reformed reprobate. I'll bet those senior staff meetings are something else, huh?

"Seriously though, she's gorgeous, Tom. Tell her for me that she'd better appreciate you! She got the pick of the litter with you, and she'd better know that! And I guess that's all. Don't want to take up all the space with just my message." 

She raised a hand toward him, and Tom resisted the urge to touch the screen. "Computer, end recording." 

And Susie was gone.

 

Tom sat perfectly still, staring at the blank monitor, trying to take it all in. Ninety-eight ships destroyed. So many dead. everyone dead. It didn't make sense. He shook his head, wondering if Janeway knew, wondering why she'd kept silent. 

"Susie Crabtree?" B'Elanna's voice was low, even. At Tom's jerked nod she continued. "She's lovely."

He shook his head mutely. The Susie who had been his first real love had been a much different woman. Vibrant, willowy, tall enough to look him in the eye, and ballsy enough to bring him down a peg when he'd needed it. And in that first year at the Academy, he'd needed it often. His Susie had been in the center of a constantly whirling maelstrom of friends and activity and social events, her dynamic personality attracting people like bees to honey. This woman was changed, wounded. Fragile. If he'd passed her in the ship's corridor, he wouldn't have known her. 

B'Elanna was still at his side, waiting, and Tom turned toward her and rubbed his cheek against her belly. "I haven't thought about –" He stopped, unsure how to say what was on his mind. He felt B'Elanna's fingers run through his hair, slowly massaging his scalp, and he closed his eyes.

"I haven't thought of any of them in years."

"Was Neal a friend of yours?"

"Yes. No." Tom laughed and straightened. He pulled B'Elanna down onto the chair next to him. "Neal Hawk. Same height, same colouring, same background. We could have been brothers. I guess that's why we were rivals. We brought out the best, and the worst, in each other. Always competing for grades, sim time, women. Susie didn't just dump me in first year, she dumped me for Neal."

He took his wife's left hand and laced their fingers. His eyes were drawn to the simple gold band on her third finger. "When he broke up with her, she came to me. I stayed up all night feeding her ice cream and listening to her cry over him. I almost failed my Stellar Cartography exam."

"Is that why we've been lost in the Delta Quadrant for the last six years, helmboy?"

Tom laughed and pressed a quick kiss on her mouth. "I did not marry you just to piss off my father."

"I know."

"It was an added bonus, though." His eyes flashed a hint of the devil.

"I'm not buying it. Your father thinks I'm wonderful." She extended her free hand and tapped a PADD with an index finger. It was a letter from his parents that had come in on the same datastream as the message from Susie. 

"He's got great taste."

B'Elanna leaned forward and drew him into a long, sweet kiss. "Tell me," she said.

Tom drew a breath, and abruptly stood and began to prowl their quarters. "There was a group of us and we all hung out together. Most of us were on the same floor in the residence. We had the same classes, played the same sports, went to the same pubs to drink beer. Frankie Horwitz nicknamed us 'the Dirty Dozen', but Susie said that since there were thirteen of us; we were more like a baker's dozen.

"They were… my world. You know? You form this bond with the people in your class, and even if they drive you nuts, even if you don't really like ‘em deep down, they're still your family. Closer than brothers."

He stopped and stared out their large viewport at the starfield. Thousands of alien suns zipped past Voyager as she sped toward home. "Sometimes I hated him. And I did hate him for a long time after the way he treated Susie. They got back together in our senior year and got married right after graduation. I didn't go." 

Tom turned with a scowl on his face, and paced back to B'Elanna. "I'd just been posted to the Exeter, and I used that as an excuse, but they knew. I almost subspaced her to try to talk her out of it." He stopped at the table and sat heavily. 

"Why? Were you still in love with her?" 

Her question was innocent, but Tom noted the set of her jaw, and the 'stillness' in her as she held her body rigid and ready for his answer. He reached out and cupped her cheek. "No. Looking back now, I'm not sure I ever really was." He also wasn't sure if he could explain it to B'Elanna without raising that all-knowing eyebrow of hers. He was well aware of his own reputation as a womanizing scoundrel-reformed and she knew about it, too! But Neal Hawk had made him look a saint by comparison. Neal hadn't been hesitant to play on his good looks and abundant charm; he'd had a different girlfriend every month, and sometimes he'd juggled two or three at once just to prove that he could. Everyone had known about him, including Susie, but it hadn't kept her from falling for him. 

He'd had his doubts that Neal could reform-that he even wanted to – and he'd stayed away from the wedding. But, looking at his own wife, and knowing how much he himself had changed in the last ten years, he realized he'd given his old adversary short shrift. Maybe he'd been a good husband after all, and he might have been a wonderful father had he been given the chance.

Tom's eyes closed as he recalled Susie's bitter expression and the look of scorn on her face when she'd spoken of their friends' fates. "I can't believe they're all dead."

B'Elanna stood and drew him up into a hug, and Tom was content just to hold her and 'sandwich' their unborn daughter between them. The baby was a real, solid lump that poked him in the gut and reminded him of just how lucky he was: lucky to be here on Voyager. Lucky to have his commission, and B'Elanna and the baby, and hell, even Harry, no matter how uncertain their future was in the Delta Quadrant.

"Susie was right," Tom continued. "If I hadn't fucked up my life like that, if I hadn't ended up here, I'd be dead too. Just like the rest of them."

He stopped when B'Elanna's grip around his ribs tightened to bruising. She shuddered and burrowed her face into his throat. And then he remembered their first contact with Starfleet since being pulled into the Delta Quadrant, through the Hirogen array. Chakotay's letter from Sveta about the Maquis. They'd been wiped out, save for a few hundred who likely still languished in a Federation penal colony. The Cardassians had blown B'Elanna's baker's dozen-her family-to hell, too. 

"I'm sorry," he murmured, not sure what he was apologizing for. Suddenly he needed to feel her warm and solid, really there, skin on skin. "Let's go to bed."

She tilted her head and looked into his face. "Don't you want to read the letter from your parents?" she asked. 

Tom shook his head. "In the morning," he replied. He was confident there would be a morning for them, and, if they were lucky, a thousand – thirty thousand – more.

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> And now I honest to God don’t remember if that data stream (Repression) collapsed before they started getting live time with their families...? If only there was a way to look it up! I know, I’ll ask my fic pals.


End file.
